"Oh, gross," Mollie whined, looking at the huge spot on the window. "It's a Palmetto Bug (all the Floridan readers now groan and the others head for a dictionary....). Mollie failed to see what loomed further off in the distance, but she was often prone to missing the more obvious details and concentrating on the lowest common denominator.
Tasha never even saw the insect. "Then that's an awfully big bug..."
Snerdly gave a terrible gasp, then managed to gain full use of his vocal cords once again, to the obvious disappointment of Tasha and Sparki. Mollie wandered off in search of a can of Raid - or at the very least, a fully armed bazooka - to murder their six-legged guest. "That's not supposed to be here." Snerdly pointed out.
"How do you know? We don't even know where HERE is, so how can you know what belongs here???" Tasha demanded quite reasonably.
"My dear," Snerdly's attitude returned with his voice, "I have already calculated the pressurized anti-matter fields of distorted radiation and conclusively concluded that although we could be a hectillion years in either direction, past or future, we have yet to actually propel forward or backward in any physical direction, thereby, disall...."
"Like, huh?" Sparki demanded, as Mollie returned, unarmed, but carrying several rubber bands. She bagan taking potshots at the roach on the window. Sixty-three rubber bands bounced harmlessly off the walls, missing the titanic creature. Mollie never did have very good aim.
Snerdly looked irritated. "We are still in our own Solar System, so the possibility of THAT being here are 29,999,453,199.243 to 1/2!"
"So what's your point?" asked Tasha, checking her reflection in Snerdly's smudged glasses.
"It's just a bug." Mollie pointed out, her tongue dangling from the corner of her mouth as she took aim at the offending roach. She released the rubber band and was overjoyed (okay, shocked) to hit her target. Once the bug was lying dead in the middle of a pile of rubber bands, Mollie looked at the remaining rubber bands in her hand and wondered how many it would take to kill Snerdly. Lost in thought, Mollie's eyes wandered toward the viewscreen and the item that had so far eluded her. "What the HELL is that? It look like the golf ball thing at EPCOT Center!"
"I, like, totally thing it's the Death Star. But not like the original Death Star, more like the one in the re-released version with the fancy cool special effects and great big advertising campaign." Sparki rambled on. "It's a mondo spectacular sight, dudette, and totally, like, wowee!"
"Well, what's it doing here?" Mollie inquired.
"Sitting." Tasha replied, amazed at Mollie's inability to grasp the obvious (only, Tasha didn't think about it that way, she really thought something along the lines of "duh!"). "Hey, I wonder if the gift shop is open inside..."
"It could not possibly be the Death Star, although, I must admit that at certain angles it does resemble the giant golf ball at EPCOT, the proper name, of course, being `Spaceship Earth', an attraction at the park. If Mickey Mouse were a mile high, then it could, conceivably be his golf ball. But it is NOT a golf ball, nor is it the Death Star. I have already calculated the odds and disproven any theories you may have, diserning that the actual identity of the artifact is in fact, in my learned opinion, a hologram."
"Oh, like, really? AWESOME! What are the odds of that? Like ZIPPO!!!" Sparki's sarcasm was lost on the geek.
"29,999,453,1999.143 to 1/2." Snerdly pushed his glasses back on his face, triumphantly. He had, apparently, made a remarkable recovery. Unfortunately.
"You know, dude, you are really beginning to be a heinous pain." Sparki had been examining the artifact closely, her nose scrunched up against the glass window. "It's like, a moon."
"What?" cried Mollie and Tasha, who were both ceratin they were in some sort of trouble. They, afterall, had no idea where they were, they were short on funds and definitely short on tempers. It occurred to both of them that if they were in another galaxy or time, they might never find the evil Mad Hatter and never claim the limitless credit card. Worse than that - they might never see a Mall again!!!
"We should, like, get some primo speed and blast down to that most excelent moon thingy. I am REALLY into moons."
Snerdly prepared to drop his pants and obligingly show Sparki HIS moon, but Mollie realized what he was doing and shot him a look usually reserved for the day the bills arrived in the mail.
"What about the Wankle Rotary Engine?" Mollie quickly changed the subject as Snerdly sheepishly zippered his trousers.
"I need a stretchy rubber bandito..." Sparki replied.
Snerdly whipped out his pocket computer. The thing beeped and whirled as he pressed a button. Finally, he looked up. "Did you know that the odds of finding a rubber band on this ship are 457,554,668 to 6/7s?" He pointed out, stepping past the pile of rubber bands littering the floor. Mollie took that moment to see if her ability to hit the roach had been a fluke and aimed one at Snerdly's head. It was a fluke afterall: she hit considerably lower. Snerdly sniffed distainfully. "It seems that my abilities are not appreciated," he sniffed. "Besides, I fail to comprehend the precise reasons as to why you wish to visit a moon that is so obviously not there or for that matter, why we are going anywhere with this...person....She is running from the IVP because she bootlegs vinyl records. It causes chills down my spine. The very idea insults my dignity..."
"Like, pulverize him, will ya?" Sparki ordered Tasha and Mollie. She helped herself to a few rubber bands and crawled under the main console.
"I really don't think that's such a good idea. If you don't know precisely what you're doing, then the matrix mechanics of the Wankle Rotary Engine will abstractly disintegrate into the technical phosphate expansionary pipe isometrics. Which means, of course...." Snerdly paused abruptly as Tasha bent over to clean up the massive mess of rubber bands, providing him with a clear view down her shirt. Mollie saw where Snerdly was looking, and in defense of her twin, grabbed the roach and prepared to shove it down the pervert's throat. Luckily for Snerdly, the bug flew out of Mollie's hands and skidded to a halt somewhere in the vicinity of the main console, where it stayed for many, many chapters waiting to be used as a future plot device.
Tasha decided to sit down and paint her nails. This was all getting too boring for her to deal with without a makeover.
Moments later, Sparki crawled out, triumphant. "Let's most definitely blow this heinous taco stand, like now." She pressed a few buttons and there was a choking sound as the ship jerked and thrashed.
"If I may...." Snerdly began.
"You may NOT!" the three women responded in stereo.
"This ship is going nowhere." Snerdly crossed his arms in front of his skinny chest and leered at the women.
"Why NOT?" Tasha exploded, waving her nail polish wand and splattering fuschia sunrise all over the port window.
Snerdly tried to look menacing. "Because I am the only one who knows how to fly this ship and I say so."
Tasha looked at Mollie, who looked at Sparki, who looked back at Tasha. "WE can fly this thing," Mollie said, "Can't we girls?"
"No, no!!! Absolutely NOT!" Snerdly screamed.
Just then, the ship lurched as something hit it. The entire group rushed to the window and looked at the damage.
"Most heinous event," Sparki sighed. "Like,
Snerdly, we just hit your bogus hologram."