THE NEON LITES:

Gods Shave the People

"Bait?!?" screeched Snerdly, turning paler.

"Wait a minute…" Mollie spoke up, slipping easily into her role as Athena, Goddess of Wisdom. "Who says the Greeks are OUR enemies? And the Trojans already think we're gods…"

"Cool," Tasha piped up, "do you think they can get us discount seats at the Coliseum?"

"Tasha," Mollie glowered, "you sap my strength."

Sparki took some giant marshmallows from her backpack, and using Mollie's croquet mallet, began roasting them as the fire spread around the City of Troy. She offered a gooey piece of candy to Hector, "Hey, Heck-dude…want a smushsmellow?"

Hector fell to his knees and began appealing to the gods for help. "Oh mighty, Apollo…"

"That's you, Bruce," Mollie pushed him forward.

"Uh-uh, girlfriend, I'm Phoebus…the SUN GOD!"

"Phoebus is Apollo you MORON." Mollie pushed Bruce forward until he was standing before Hector, wielding the hairdryer like a 57 magnum.

"`Stho, honey, what can little old PHOEBUS do to help?"

"Oh mighty Apollo - you have shown your wrath upon the City of Troy. Now please show us some mercy. What sacrifice must we make to gain your favor and extinguish this fire?"

Sparki picked up Snerdly by his sweaty armpits ("Gross!!" Annabelle was appalled) and tossed him to the ground. "Like, Mollie - get some rope and a knife. We are going to have a most excellent sacrifice!"

Snerdly squealed like a…um…a pig about to be slaughtered.

"No, no, no, no, no…" Mollie yelled. "Everyone huddle!"

"Excuse me a moment, Sweetie," Bruce wagged a finger at Hector, then sashayed over to the group.

"We can NOT sacrifice Snerdly!" Mollie admonished. Snerdly nodded in agreement.

"Well, why not? It's not like he's useful or anything," Tasha said.

"Because he is the only person who knows what he did with the limitless credit car (remember THAT, kids?)…For what other reason are we on this journey?"

"Because we're bloody well lost…" Hamish suggested.

"That, too," Mollie admitted.

"Well then, what should we ask as a sacrifice?" Tasha asked.

"There's a whole temple full o' Vestal Virgins jus' for th' takin'" Craig pointed out.

"Oh, like we care!" Tasha sniffed.

"I was talking to Mollie…"

Mollie slugged Craig in the arm, but otherwise ignored him. "Listen everyone - he said they will sacrifice ANYTHING - that means give us anything we want if we stop the fire! It shouldn't be too hard. There's a fire extinguisher on board the ship and all we have to do is…"

"Noooo….there isn't." Bruce fretted.

"Yes there is…"

"No there isn't."

"Well there was!!!"

"Not any more." Bruce looked solemn. "It just didn't match the décor."

"Grrreat." Said Craig.

"WE'RE GOING TO DIE!!! WE'RE GOING TO BURN UP INTO LITTLE CRUNCHY FRENCH FRIES AND DIE!!!!" Tasha wailed.

Mercifully, her tirade was brought to a halt by someone yelling, "There they are!" in an all too familiar tone.

"Not again," sighed Mollie, recognizing that tone and the proven fact that when such words were said in the vicinity of the Neon Lites, it meant trouble. For someone. Usually the Neon Lites.

Suddenly, they were all seized by armed guards and forcefully dragged through the burning ashes of Troy. Moments later (after the commercial break and the opening credit sequence), they were roped together and thrown into the back of an open cart. Which was attached to a horse. Which was traveling AWAY from the City.

"That's another fine mess you've gotten me into," remarked Snerdly to all of the others.

"Shut up, Snerdly," someone suggested, as the wagon hit a bump, tossing them all around. Hamish landed on Bruce, who made no effort to dislodge him and settled down to enjoy the situation for as long as it lasted.

"This sucks!" Sparki remarked as Snerdly's elbow jabbed her in the nose.

"Aye," Craig agreed. "I've lost me fiddle…"

They traveled for what seemed like hours, but was in fact minutes. When they finally stopped moving, they could no longer see smoke or smell the burning city. The cart was opened and three large men pulled the Neon Lites to their feet.

They were in the middle of a large clearing in the middle of an even larger forest.

"This is most heinous." Sparki observed.

"I had NOTHIN' to do wi' this!" Hamish exclaimed.

"Where are we?" Tasha stomped her foot. "I just know I'm not wearing the right clothing for a hike in the woods."

"See here you…you BRUTES…what is the meaning of this?" Snerdly failed to appear tough.

"The penalty for falsely impersonating the gods…" began a humorless, very large, very ugly man.

"Most heinously, I might add," Sparki added.

"…Is death," the ugly man finished.

"DEATH!?!?!?!?!" Mollie and Tasha squeaked. The two other large, ugly men began stringing up ropes on the branches of the trees.

"This is bad," Tasha muttered." Death is not good. Death is bad."

"I refuse to die when I am having a bad hair day," Bruce whimpered.

"So, like, Super-Ugly Dude in Charge…can we do this fast? Like, I'm totally not fond of slow messy deaths…"

Snerdly threw himself at Tasha's feet, begging, "Please Tasha, don't let me die a virgin!"

Tasha shook him off like a bug. "Yuck! As if! It's Craig's job to deflower the virgins."

"I," Craig said emphatically, "just play the fiddle."

Within moments, the seven hapless semi-heroes were completely bound together with very little room to breathe. Their assailants tied them to a large tree and prepared the nooses…

W H O O S H ! ! ! !

A round, razor sharp metal donut flew through the air, ricocheted off a tree, snapped the ropes, bounced harmlessly off Snerdly's skinny little butt and knocked all three assailants on their collective backsides. Completely freed, the Neon Lites stared in supreme astonishment.

"I say chaps, I've brought some help…"

"MEW!" Mollie and Tasha both exclaimed. "We forgot about Mew!" Mew bounded over and licked their palms in greeting.

Hamish and Craig's respective (and respectable) jaws dropped and Snerdly frantically searched for his comb.

Standing before them was a 6-foot tall Amazon-ish woman with long black hair, clear blue eyes and a skimpy leather dress that sent Snerdly's brain into apoplectic convulsions. Beside the woman was a much smaller girl with strawberry blonde hair. She was holding a staff on one hand and the reigns of a beige horse in the other. She was frowning.

Snerdly quickly began combing his hair and drooling. Craig felt a strange stirring beneath his kilt, but was disappointed to find it was only a snake crawling up his leg. Bruce hopped towards the two women.

"Girlfriend," he addressed the tall woman, "that is SOME outfit. And that cleavage almost looks real. Wonderful what a little properly applied blush will do." The woman's eyes narrowed as he continued. "I didn't even know they HAD drag queens in the ancient world, but whatever…"

The woman (for she WAS a woman) reached for her sword. Mollie pushed her way in front of Bruce.

"Um…hi…I'm Mollie. We just want to thank you for…uh…rescuing us…And don't mind Bruce. He got dropped off the balcony at a showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show and hasn't been right since…"

The strawberry blonde nudged the other women. "This will make a really great story once we get to Athens. Let's see. `Out of the sky fell the gods so brave…strange and new…and…needing a shave…?" she trailed off as Hamish growled.

"Citronelle," hissed the tall woman, "why don’t you go help the gentlemen tie up their attackers. You…" she pointed at Mollie. "I need to talk to you." Mollie eyebrows crinkled in fear. "Calm down, I won't hurt you. Unlike the others, you seem to have sense. Tell me what's going on around here."

As much as she could, Mollie filled the woman in. "…And we set fire to Troy and got kidnapped, then you came, but now we’re stuck here because our ship is back there and…that's it."

There was a shout and a thumping sound. Mollie turned to see Citronelle standing on Snerdly's chest, holding the sharp end of her staff at his throat.

"Citronelle," snapped the older woman, "what in the name of Zeus are you DOING?"

"He grabbed my butt!"

The dark haired woman gave Snerdly a look that implied she regretted saving his life.

"Hey Snerd-dude - I think that was a MOST bogus error on your part." Sparki stared down at Snerdly, grinning impishly.

Mollie turned to the tall woman. "Miss…um…ah…Miss…"

"Call me Thena."

"Miss Thena…we're not gods or goddesses, we're musicians." Thena's eyebrow shot up in suspicion as Mollie continued. "No, really. And well, we don't belong here. I'm not even sure where HERE is…or WHEN here is…Snerdly pushed all the buttons…not even on purpose…I think…and I guess he broke something…anyway…we have to get out of here before we totally destroy and cause some cosmic disturbance in the universe. Next thing you know, Caesar will exist in the same time frame as David and Goliath and Jesus Christ and it will be all fouled up!"

"I see. Citronelle? Let Snerdly up. If he touches you again, I'll cut his hand off. With my fingernail."

"Can you do that?" Tasha gaped, wide-eyed.

"I have many skills." Thena replied.

Snerdly whimpered and hid behind Sparki. She offered him an organic valium with a Mountain Dew chaser.

"Hey," asked Tasha. "What is this place anyway?"

"We're in Greece." Citronelle explained patiently.

"Greece?" Tasha cocked her head in puzzlement. "OH - right. GREASE. Like Olivia Newton-John…" She eyed Thena's fashion sense. "Rizzo, right?"

Thena took charge. "What we need is a plan."

Mollie gave a Bronx cheer (that's a raspberry for all you non-New Yorkers) to the others. "Did you say A PLAN?" she asked innocently.

Thena rolled her eyes. She had met quite a few village idiots in her travels, but this group made them all seem like the Oracle at Delphi. "Well, we can't just walk between two warring armies and take back your boat, so we need to…" Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted Snerdly rummaging through his pocket. He pulled out a little plastic box, but before he could even sneeze, Thena grabbed her chakram (that's the little round sharp donut, Tasha) and flung it at the box, which burst into a billion tiny, easy to swallow pieces. Thena retrieved the weapon in midair and it didn't even seem to hurt her, although it was razor sharp. This impressed Sparki, who began plotting how to get one.

Snerdly jumped up and down, waving his arms. "DUCK!!!!" he screamed, as a huge silver object came flying through the air. Everyone dove into the dirt as the Space Ship flew over their heads and came to rest in the trees high above them.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT????" Hamish bellowed in alarm.

Snerdly pointed to the plastic bits all over the ground. "That," he glumly stated, "was the remote control."