As soon as they had cleared the area, Tasha dropped her rifle and squealed, "Ohmigod Mollie that was soooo cool!!! I mean, you really had to think to get us out of that one!"

Mollie shrugged, "No, not really. I saw it on a USA Up-All Nite movie starring Joe Pesci, David Hasselhoff and Pee Wee Herman as triplets during the Civil War."

"Like, we most totally have to leave this heinous place." Sparki suggested.

"No' wi' oot Craig an' Seamus." Hamish shook his head and firmly planted his boot on the ground. Nothing short of a cataclysmic event would make him budge.

The dirt shook as a small earthquake named Seamus rounded the bend, ripping through the trees at an alarming rate. Clutched to his chest was a small, elegantly dressed young woman, who was protesting vehemently in language that would make her brother blush. And did.

"Wilhelmina Josephine Kimberly Robinette Culpepper, what in Sam Hill are ya'll doin'?" Billy Joe Jim Bob exclaimed. Seamus stopped in his tracks, still holding the girl.

"You leave me be, Billy Joe Jim Bob. I aim to marry Mr. Seamus and nothin' ken stop me. Not you or Mama or Papa or Rufus or Aunt Balbina or that awful Mr. Chipps you want me to marry. As if I'd marry someone who teaches at a university. He might be expectin' me to read! And further more, Billy Joe, why are you hanging out with Yankee trash?" The young girl hopped out of Seamus' arms (a considerable leap) and shook a finger in Billy Joe Jim Bob's face.

Tasha had had about enough of this girl. Anyone who would be caught dead in an outfit that made her look like a bell obviously needed extreme fashion guidance. "I am not a Yankee!!!!" She wailed, prepared to scratch the beautiful young girl's eyes out if need be. Then she stopped and looked at Mollie in puzzlement. "What's a Yankee?"

"A totally bogus baseball team!" Sparki answered triumphantly. "Just because they won the World Series back in 1996 does not a good team make. Like, when they totally traded..."

Mollie found it necessary to interrupt at this moment. "Can we all just get on the ship and leave? I have a bad feeling about this..."

Hamish also had something to say on the subject. "Seamus MacHamish are ye crrrazy, man? Get yer butt on our ship and we'll take ye back to Mum and let her deal wi' ye."

Seamus shook violently as feared crossed his face. "Aww come on, Hamish, she'll beat me wi' the frying pan again, just like last time. I love Billie Jo Kim Robin."

The rest went on for a bit and words were said that are best not repeated. At one point Tasha and Billie Jo Kim Robin ended up in a catfight in the mud, but no one actually witnessed this and the jury is still out as to who stated it all. By the time Mollie and Sparki managed to break it up. Craig and the entire population of YeeHaw Junction had arrived there, all sweaty and exhausted from their impromptu dance, searching for fried chicken and black-eyed peas. Craig took one look at the proceedings and began playing "The Night that Paddy Murphy Died". Hamish howled and tackled Seamus, who knocked Craig onto the seat of his pants (yes, he had changed to pants the first moment he had). Craig continued playing. Then the mayor of YeeHaw Junction pushed his way through the dancing, fighting, caterwauling crowd and tried to look important.

"I say...I, uh, I say...boy..." He looked way up at Seamus, "what in blazes, sorry ladies, is goin' on here?"

They all began talking at once. Tasha realized that her cute leather mini skirt and lace blouse were now covered in dirt, balled herself up into a pathetic lump and started keening hysterically.

Well, I can't say what happened next, because I wasn't there and when they all tried to tell me the story; I just got confused (`easy way out' said Kasey, disapproving of this carefully orchestrated charade. Fiona added a few more fiddles to the orchestra and this seemed to placate her.) All I can say for sure is that the next thing anyone knew, Tasha and Billie Jo Kim Robin were the best of friends and were exchanging fashion tips, and someone was running to find a preacher to perform a wedding ceremony.

The wedding was lovely. Tasha, in her new emerald green day dress, complete with waist-reducing hoop skirt and stays, acted as Billie Jo Kim Robin's maid of honor and Hamish stood up with Seamus. Craig accompanied the entire thing on his fiddle, after admitting somewhat reluctantly that all he knew were funeral songs, reels and the greatest hits of John McCusker, the Patron Saint of Fiddlebinkies and Wedding Tiers

At the Reception, Craig joyfully began a Virginia Reel (`really a Florida reel', giggled Tasha). Billy Joe Jim Bob approached Tasha shyly and looked at her...feet, then said, "Miss Tasha, ma'am, will ya'll do me, Billy Joe Jim Bob, the honor of dancing with me?"

Tasha giggled, "I don't know how to dance. Well, I do know the Macrarena, but..."

"Well, ma'am," said Billy Joe Jim Bob, "ya'll just stay with me and we will get at the end of the line and then ya'll can see how it's done and then ya'll can do it and I would be mighty pleased."

"Okay," said Tasha, as she took Billy Joe Jim Bob's arm and they took their place in line. The dance begin, and to Tasha's horror, she soon learned that Mr. Billy Joe Jim Bob Culpepper was directionally impaired, as they were at the front of the line and expected to dance first. Taking control of the situation at hand, Tasha sashayed down the line, wiggling her butt and doing what looked like a very bad version of the `Hokey Pokey'. The fiddle screeched to a halt as the wedding guests stared in fascinated disbelief. Tasha smiled and waved.

"You put your right hand in, you take your right hand out, you put your right hand in and you shake it all about...." she sang loudly and remarkably on-key. Craig shrugged and began playing as the guests began copying Tasha's obscene moves and having just a grand old time. After the Hokey Pokey, they did the Bunny Hop, the Hustle and the Chicken Dance, all led by Tasha and a complete stunned Billy Joe Jim Bob.

Finally, at about midnight, with the Southerners showing no sign of stopping the party any time soon, but with a lull in the dancing as the eating resumed Mollie indicated to the Neon Lites that it was time to leave. Hamish slugged his brother in the arm, kissed his new sister on the cheek, assured his new brother in law that his fashion accessories were indeed, as it were, perky enough, and led the Neon Lites back onto their ship. Sparki flew the ship out of the general area and propelled them out into the cosmos.

"You know," remarked Mollie to Sparki several weeks later, as the ship continued to orbit earth with no definite destination, "our lives seem to go so much smoother when Snerdly is not around."

"Like too true, dudette, but it's almost, well, heinously boring sitting in this ship day after day discussing the practical applications of mousse and gel with Tasha and re-dying your hair. Though I must admit, I totally love the orange and yellow highlights you have most bogusly added."

"Maybe we really should try to find Snerdly, Mew and Bruce."

"Or at least Mew and Bruce." Tasha corrected as she applied the final sealant coat to her new radiant raspberry nailpolish. "And while we're at it, can we find a mall? I haven't been shopping in positively AGES and I feel quite certain that my life will be ending soon."

"Are you sick?"

"Yes!!!!! I have Macysbloomingdalesitis!!!!" Tasha wailed.

During all of this, Hamish was curled up in a corner by the ficus tree, where the genuine Malkovian quasi-yak fur throw rug was hanging out to dry following the most unfortunate encounter with Hamish weeks earlier. Hamish was snoring in a most ship-shaking manner, but no one seemed to notice. Craig was re-stringing his fiddle due to an accident involving Hamish, a bottle of whisky and Sparki's knapsack. He was most certainly not listening to Mollie, Tasha or Sparki. Which was a good thing.

"Well, we know at least Bruce was in Ancient Greece," Mollie reflected, indicating Billy Joe Jim Bob Culpepper's copy of Socrates for Dummies (subtitled, Accessorizing for the Philosophically Impaired), which had somehow wound up in Sparki's knapsack. "And though I am still personally hoping that Snerdly really was the haggis we gave to Thena and Citronelle, I think we need to go to Greece."

"Is Rosie O'Donnell still in that? I like her, even if she doesn't understand all of the correct usages for blush and eyeshadow." Tasha splattered nail polish all over Mollie as she spoke.

"Greece the country, not the Broadway sh...Oh, never mind." Mollie sighed.

Before they could engage in a long and drawn out conversation regarding the quantum mechanics of time travel vis a vis Star Trek episodes, there came a loud beeping sound from the console, which woke even Hamish out of his deep sleep.

"Surrender at once Sparadicus Smith or your vessel will be terminated," came a booming voice through the communications board.

"A lot he knows," Tasha giggled, "We just terminated all the bugs last month when Bruce called in Orkin..."

"You have one minute to turn yourself in and prepare for mind erasure."

There was sudden silence and everyone (except Craig, who was still fixing his fiddle while muttering `maresydoes and bowsybows and little yaks named Ivy') looked at Sparki in disbelief.

"Smith," cried Mollie, "You're last name is Smith?"

"We are in the most heinous trouble we have ever been in dudes and dudettes." Sparki admitted.'

"I'll say," agreed Tasha, "I am out of Chanel #8!!!!"

"No, we most totally have to have a chat session. There is a secret I have been keeping from you all."

"I knew it," gasped Tasha, "she does shop at K-Mart!!!"

"No,no,no,no,no...."Mollie exclaimed. "She couldn't possibly...could you?"

Sparki sighed, "I must totally come clean and like, well, confess." She cleared her throat and began to speak, "I am like a secret agent for an organization called the Society for Universal Control and Keeping things Safe."

"S.U.C.K.S.????" Tasha and Mollie both asked, amazed.

"No, it's a good job." Sparki grinned. "Well, here's the story, most excellent companions. I am the liaison for an Ambassador to the Interplanetary Protection Agency and my most awesome job is to locate a really yucky villainous personage known merely by the name of Moose."

"Moose?"

"That's all we know about him except that he has been known to use the most bogus names of the `Mad Hatter', `Mr. Freeze', `Barsonlob the Crusader', `Peabo', `Oliver the Ogre', `Dr. Laura', and sometimes, in his most heinous incarnation, `Pat Roberts'. "

"The Mad Hatter!" Mollie cried, as deep in the recesses of her mind (where her medulla oblongata was playing on the monkey bars), a memory shook itself loose and flew to the surface of her consciousness. "Wait a minute. Isn't he that guy we were chasing to get the Limitless Credit Card from Chad?"

"Most assuredly." Sparki concurred. "But then our two ships collided and I wound up traveling with this most excellent group of people and acquiring a most heinous case of the amnesias. I like, totally forgot my mission! Until now."

"What is your mission, lass?" Hamish was impressed. In his family, the only mission of any importance involved keeping mum's frying pan far from your behind.

"My mission (since I chose to accept it) is to fight the forces of evil and put an end to the Moose's evil doings."

"There is nothing evil about mousse." Tasha argued, fearing for the life of her hair should Sparki decide to jettison her case of Paul Mitchell super-hold into the stratosphere.

Sparki continued, wisely ignoring Tasha, "In my knapsack was the tool needed to finding this most heinous villain, but I seem to have misplaced it somewhere, along with the secrets of the universe."

"What was the tool?" Mollie inquired.

"You're time is up," boomed the loud, demanding and non-harmonic voice from the ship's console.

"What should we do???" Tasha squealed.

"Surrender." Mollie sighed.

"Zappo," Sparki jumped up and ran to the control panel near the Improbability Generator. She looked at it carefully, then appeared to notice something of extreme interest. She pushed a small purple button and a video screen popped up in front of Mollie to reveal a gray shaped metal space ship menacingly parked near the Neon Lites' ship's port nacelles. Sparki whapped a green button and a red-orange-yellow burst of light flew from the Neon Lite's ship (note to other authors of this story - it is way too much trouble to keep typing `the Neon Lite's Ship' can we please give it a name sometime soon?). The beam of light hit the other ship, which exploded into eleventy-million pieces, which all crashed into the Neon Lite's ship, causing them to lose orbit, making the Neon Lites fly around the bridge and causing Mollie, as usual, to hit a wrong button, thereby activating the Improbability Generator AGAIN. The ship warped into hyperspeed and whooshed through the galaxy. Frozen in place by extreme fear, the Neon Lites watched out of the console window as the stars flew by them. They passed the big dipper, Orion's belt and Pegasus and flew to the outer perimeters of the galaxy known, due to the lack of imagination usually displayed by scientists and people who call their band `the Neon Lites' in spite of much better choices, as `The Milky Way'.

When they finally lost acceleration, they were light years from Earth and everyone was thinking of chocolate nougat filled candy bars. Before them was a large purple and orange planet with what looked like, maybe, one continent in the middle of vast oceans. Sparki, who was as shaken as the others, managed to maneuver the ship to a landing on the color depraved planet. They all stumbled out of the ship.

They were in a small clearing near a rock cliff and a waterfall. It was a very beautiful scene, with birds chirping and flowers blooming. Mollie wanted to run into the field of lilies and pansies, throw her arms up and sing. Sparki wanted to sip the crystal sparkling water and laugh out loud. Craig wanted to compose the most lyrical music ever heard. Hamish wanted to strip off his kilt and dive from the cliff into the perfect blue lake. Tasha wanted to reapply her lipstick and search for a mall.

"Oh, puhlease," came a voice from behind them, "Just get over yourselves."

The Neon Lites stopped their lollygagging and turned to look at where the voice was coming from. The voice belonged to a small girl, no more than twelve years old, with naturally curly, unnaturally red hair, green eyes and freckles. She wore a brown dress tied with leather, and black moccasins. She also wore an expression of supreme annoyance. "You landed on my house you know. And my mother. Not that that's a problem. She was a real witch.""

Sure enough, the ship had come to an unfortunate landing on top of a log cabin. Sticking out from under the cabin were two long legs wearing striped black and white stockings and ruby red shoes.

"Oh, we are so sorry!!!" Mollie ran over to the little girl, who shrugged.

"Like I said, no problem. Except that it was a nice house. Are you going to Orslanvia by any chance? I could use a lift. You landed on my aero-car as well."

"What's Orslanvia?" Mollie asked, still not very sure about this girl.

"Duh! You people are real losers aren't you. The CITY. Where the KING lives. I thought for sure that you were here for the festival of music. You couldn't be anything but musicians."

"How did you know?" Tasha was totally impressed.

"I know a lot of things." She preened, waiting for an obviously expected response, but there was none. "Are you saying you have never heard of me, either? Denara de la Reese? The Oracle of Barnar? " No reaction. "This is unreal. Where are you from, Rytersed?"

"Earth. Mostly." Tasha answered, feeling qualified to provide this information.

Denara shrugged, "Erp? Never heard of it. Well, come on then, stop all this gabbing and lets get going to Orslanvia so you don't miss the festival."

"What about your bogusly flattened parental unit?" Sparki asked, indicating the mess made by yet another Neon Lites landing.

"Oh, yeah. Right." Denara went over to the waterfall and held a wooden goblet under the water. She returned to the ship and casually tossed the liquid onto the remains of the woman trapped under the wreckage. The woman immediately shriveled up and disappeared, leaving only the shoes and a large house key. "Perfect," said Denara, taking the shoes and pocketing them in a burlap bag that rivaled Sparki's in size and shape. "They'll fetch a great price in the market."

"Don't you want to wear them?" Tasha eyed the shoes jealously, realizing how closely they matched her Vera Wong dress.

"No way - wouldn't be caught dead in them." Denara tossed Sparki the house key. "Hey, do me a favor and keep this safe. You can manage that, can't you?" she did not look very sure.

"Och, lasses," Hamish whispered to Mollie and Tasha, "I may have to shove this bairn into me bagpipe case before this day tis over."

Denara eyed Hamish suspiciously, although there was no way she could have heard what he said.

Sparki suddenly realized something important. "Like, once again, we totally forgot to intro." Denara waved her hand and silenced Sparki.

"I know who you are. I was told to watch for you."

"Who told you to watch for us?"

"The Wizard. He knows even more than I do, and that's considerable. So, Ms. Sparadicus Smith," Denara smugly crossed her arms over her chest, "it's time we were all on our way to Orslanvia, wouldn't you say?"