Craig grinned. "It's a good job Snerdly ISN'T here for the festival," he said, "he's probably allergic to musicians."

            Tasha shrugged. "Good riddance to bad hygiene," she opined, touching up her makeup.

            Craig shrugged. "Tolerance…" he said nobly, "is the basis for brotherhood."

            Tasha fluffed her hair and peered intently at her reflection before voicing her most deeply held feelings on the subject. "Okay, whatEVER."

            Mollie sighed and forcibly removed the handmirror from Tasha's fingers. "Let's just GO."

Rolling her eyes at least once every thirty seconds, Denara headed off down the road that stretched before them, and led, presumably, toward the city. Along the way (between Tasha's complaints and Mollie's nervous hiccups), Sparki strode beside the girl, with Craig fiddling a walking tune and Hamish stomping along stolidly behind them.

            "I can't believe you haven't heard of me," Denara shook her head, setting a brisk pace through the afternoon sunshine. "I work for the Wizard after all! It's not as though I come from some miserable little rotating ball of rock that no one has even heard of…"

            "It's called Earth…" Tasha supplied helpfully. Denara ignored her (an admirable talent) and continued talking to Sparki.

            "The Wizard is VERY powerful, of course, though I wouldn't expect YOU to know that. He has traveled through time and space, and seen lots of things. He even found the Secrets of the Universe in a place called Ancientroy…"

            Sparki interrupted. "Ancient Troy?"

            Denara nodded. "He still has them, of course," she said with certainty, "I saw the scroll myself."

            "We're working for someone named Chad," Tasha bubbled, having concluded that the little redhead could not POSSIBLY be ignoring her. "He promised us the Limitless Credit Card if we would help him find an evil villain. Of course we didn't know the Limitless Credit card even existed, in fact we still haven't seen it, but he seemed like such a nice person, I'm sure he was telling the truth."

            Denara stopped in her tracks and stared. "You've GOT to be kidding."

            Tasha shook her head in pity. "Don't you know anything? If he was evil, he wouldn't have been trendy, because villains wear black, and black is DEFINITELY not in."

            Denara resumed walking, muttering under her breath, "There really IS one born every minute."

            Several hours later, the outline of the City began to take shape on the horizon, and greasy, sharp-eyed humanoid-type rodents began to appear at the roadside, selling double priced festival tickets and cheap, unlicensed T-shirts.

            Hamish bought a program from an octopus standing shiftily nearby, and began flipping through the pages as they neared the gates of the City.

            "Look," he grinned to Craig, waving the glossy paper booklet in the air. "This must be one of the biggest festivals in the galaxy. EVERYONE is playing it!"

            Craig tucked his fiddle under one arm and peered at the front of the program. "Look!!" he grinned, gesturing with his bow. "Norwegian By Proxy is playing at eight!"

            Hamish nodded enthusiastically. "Aye, they are! And look here, lad! Group-Hug-Odysseus is promoting their latest album."

            Craig grabbed the program excitedly. "Look at this lineup," he crowed. "The Pig-Nosed Plumbers, Gothic Trash Can, The Accordion Pogs, Cattlefieldhands, Teal Green Lizards, Jamaican in Baltimore, and look, Moxie Morons are playing back-up! ALL our friends are here!"

            Denara stopped at the gates and faced them, hands on hips. "You," she glowered in disbelief, "actually KNOW these people?"

            Craig looked offended and Hamish gestured with the program. "Dinna take it so lightly, Lassie!" He admonished. "Why it's not every year that the Lemming Slinkies come out of retirement to play a festival…"

            Craig shrugged. "Only every OTHER year…" he admitted. "But on the same bill as Five Fiddles from Fargo? That's music history in the making!"

            Denara threw up her hands. "Sure, yeah, RIGHT."

            Hamish sighed. "Of only we'd brought the rest of the instruments," he said, glancing towards the huge stages that stretched as far as the eye could see. "We could have played a couple of sets with Angus, Angus and Fergus…"

            Mollie blinked. "WHO?"

            Hamish grinned. "Boys with Bazoukis. Haven't you heard their latest single?"
            Craig sighed and checked to be sure that his St. McCusker medal was still around his neck. "Maybe we can BORROW an accordion…" he said wistfully, rubbing the talisman for luck.

            Denara stamped her foot. "YOU have an audience with the WIZARD HIMSELF," she announced impatiently, waiting for them to be impressed. Mollie hiccuped. Tasha yawned. Sparki, deeper in thought than anyone had ever seen her said, like, nothing.

            Craig shrugged. "An audience is an audience," he said cheerfully, dragging Hamish past the first of forty-seven beer tents. "I hope the tips are decent."

            ********************************************************************************

            In the dark and intimidating throne room, the echo of badly tuned zithers and complaining marimba players was muffled into silence, as the massive doors closed behind the Neon Lites.

            Denara slipped off down a shadowed hallway, shaking her head as she left them. "So much for that," she spat disgustedly, making sure the gold coins from the Wizard were still in her pocket. "There go a bunch of suckers."

            At the end of the cavernous room, a tall and ornate throne gleamed and glistened in the bright light from several strategically placed spotlights. Sparki walked in silence, as Mollie held her breath to still her hiccups, and Tasha gazed around at the décor.

            "I dinna think I like this…" muttered Hamish. Craig nodded silently, and quietly set his fiddle to "stun".

Trembling slightly in the glare of several garishly lit torches ("Faux Polynesian," muttered Tasha, "Ick."), the Band members reached the foot of the platform and gazed up at the Wizard, who reclined in splendor before them.

            "Lowly subjects of less worthy planets than mine," he began in a regal, overbearing, and strangely familiar voice, "I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF ORS…lanvia. This is SOOOO stupid!"

            Tasha squealed. "Chad! The Wizard of Orslanvia is Chad!"

            Mollie shook her head in disbelief. "Just where have YOU been?" she demanded, stamping an angry foot. "YOU set us up to steal the Ambassador's ship, you got us shot and endangered and lost and…"

            Tasha pointed an accusing and perfectly manicured finger. "You got us DIRTY!"

            The Wizard rolled his eyes and buffed his nails on a pristine tennis outfit. "I don't have time to argue with you people..." he said in a bored voice. "I have another stupid job for you to…" His voice choked off in surprise as Sparki emerged suddenly from her trance and leaped into the torchlight.

            "I HAVE IT!" she bellowed violently.

            Hamish peered resignedly at Sparki's cleavage, "Aye, an' we all know where she keeps it, too."

            Sparki stalked toward the throne. "I know all about your totally bogus plans for the, like, known universe, you complete and absolute weenie!"

            Hamish paled at her language and clapped his hands over Tasha's ears. Craig glanced at Mollie and didn't dare. Sparki was shaking her fist in a certifiably revolutionary fashion and glaring at Chad, who was still bug-eyed with shock.

            "…And I will totally, like, put a mega mondo stop to your evil and uncool plans and…"

            A curtain to the right of the throne caught Craig's attention, and he peered in fascination at what appeared to be a pair of shoes stamping on the other side of it.

            "As if I, Sparadicus Smith, would allow YOU, a most bogus example of modern technological weeniehood…" (Hamish clapped his hands over Tasha's ears again) "…to take over the innocent lives of the total rest of us, well you can mondo dismisso THAT notion primo fast!"

            Inching closer to the curtain, Craig arched an eyebrow at Hamish, who turned loose of Tasha and stared.

        Craig grinned. "Ripples in the curtain…" he whispered, drawing his bow and notching it to a fiddle string. A moment later, the shot true and swift, the fiddle bow swept the curtain aside and pinned it to the wall. Everyone except Sparki stared in shocked silence at the black-cloaked man who stood revealed, slapping and spinning levers and dials and programming a computer system for all he was worth.

Sparki never slowed her tirade. "…Because I have TOTALLY figured it out! You work for that infamous and bogusly wicked master of evil and capitalism, THE MOOSE!" With that, she gestured at the black-cloaked figure with a flourish.

The figure spotted them and let out a shriek, as Chad leapt up from the throne.

"This is SOOOO stupid! Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain…"

Mollie made a daring leap at the figure, collided with Sparki in mid-air, and fell in a daze heap on the floor, the proud owner of one of a pair of concussions.

An evil laugh echoing around the throne room, the dark cloaked figure vanished in a puff of smoke, and was gone. The Neon Lites stared at the throne. Chad, limp and lifeless, tumbled off the platform at an alarming rate and landed on the floor.

Sparki climbed to her feet and pulled an ice pack from…somewhere. "Bogus," she proclaimed, handing it to Mollie. "Chad was, like, never in charge to begin with, you know? It was the Moose orchestrating all the primo evil badness kind of stuff, don't you totally get it? Chad was only his, like, total puppet."

Craig nodded. "The Moose was the mastermind criminal that told his hired henchman what to do."

Sparki shook her head and pointed at Chad's lifeless form with a rainbow hi-topped foot. "No," she replied, pointing at the evidence. "Chad was his puppet, see? Strings."

Hamish stared in surprise. "Ya mean the lad wasnae real at all?"

Craig plucked a string from Chad's elbow and calmly began restringing his fiddle. "Can we go borrow an accordion now?"

The sound of running feet echoed through the throne room as Denara skidded around the corner and stopped in front of them, breathless.

"You have to get out of here," she gasped, grabbing Sparki's arm. "I heard the evil one talking about his plans. We have to stop him!"

Sparki helped Mollie clamber to her feet, in which position she began to hiccup again. Tasha took out a notepad and began planning a makeover for Denara.

"Okay, like, what did you know about it?" Sparki demanded.

Denara shook her head. "I didn't know, I swear it! I didn't think he would EVER do something as terrible as…as THIS!"

Tasha patted her hand. "Who? Your hairdresser? Don't worry, we can relax some of the curl with a good cream rinse and alter the color with a…"

Sparki pulled out a roll of masking tape and did to Tasha what someone should have done years ago. Mollie hiccuped but didn't stop her.

"I heard his entire plan," Denara said desperately. "It's all tied up with this music festival."

A sudden tremor rocked the throne room, and Tasha pulled off the tape for a good, solid squeal. Mollie was so frightened that her hiccups stopped. Craig peered nervously at Hamish's kilt and moved to a safer distance. Another tremor caused the columns to crack and begin to crumble, as Sparki herded everybody out into the courtyard.

Denara turned angry eyes towards Sparki. "You HAVE to stop him. It's already beginning!"

Sparki shook the girl, and at the same time, grabbed Craig by the collar. (He had just been sneaking off to a tent where some enterprising merchant had put up a sign reading "half-priced accordions - Earthquake Sale.")

"WHAT is the Moose trying to do?" Sparki demanded.

Denara squared her small shoulders. "He set the whole thing up! The plan was that all the bands here would combine at all the strategically placed stages, and together achieve a certain configuration of elements, sound waves and decibels, causing a volcanic chain reaction in the core of the planet!"

Mollie shook her head. "But WHY?"

Denara went on, "his ship has been stuck in the bottom of a crater since he crashed here! He wants to use the volcanic propulsion to free his ship from the crater and launch him into the atmosphere…"

Sparki frowned. "He would get away with the Scroll of Secrets…"

Mollie caught up. "And the planet would explode with Sparki on it!"

Hamish thought for a moment. "Well, if the configurations have to be precise, it willna work EXACTLY the way he planned it to…" he said in satisfaction, listening over the sounds of the earthquake to a distant, far-away drone. "Because, as you can hear, the Piper for the Iconoclastic Idjits is always off pitch by 44,567,895^th of an 8^th."

The earthquake rumbled with growing strength, as even the vendors began to flee the festival.

"What does that MEAN?" demanded Mollie.

Hamish shrugged. "It means we have about four minutes, but the beer is probably free for the taking."

Sparki leaped to a recently abandoned platform (around which Craig had been sniffing in search of a recently abandoned accordion) and struck a heroic pose.

"If we don’t, like, totally stop the Moose from leaving this planet, the Scroll of Secrets will be totally lost to us forever!" she cried. "That would mean disaster!"

Hamish stared up at Sparki. "If we DO stop the Moose's ship, and the planet STILL explodes," he asked nervously, "what will THAT mean?"

"No accordions," Craig sighed mournfully. Tasha patted his shoulder and offered him a bit of styling gel, which he gratefully drank.

Sparki's look turned maniacal, and she waved her hands dramatically. "It will mean," she shouted above the noise of the ever-increasing earthquake, "BIG TROUBLE FOR MOOSE AND SCROLL!"

Craig put the top back on the gel bottle. "Not to mention the Interplanetary Musician's Union," he remarked. "Blow up a couple thousand bands without a permit and there's going to be trouble."

Mollie and Denara stamped their feet at the same time. "AREN'T YO GOING TO DO SOMETHING?!?" they both shouted, as large bits of masonry and freefalling guitar picks rained down from above.

Sparki climbed down from the stage, her face determined. "We are," she said firmly.

The others looked to her for guidance. "What?"

Sparki's fervor flagged. "Er…"

Tasha noticed something set into the wall of the now crumbling palace and wandered over to inspect it. Craig followed, hoping it was snacks.

Mollie shouted at Sparki. "What are we SUPPOSED to do in cases of insane lunatics trying to blow up whole planets to achieve their evil ends?"

Tasha perked up and smiled brightly. "What about this?"

The others hurried over to where she stood pointing to a box labeled: "Use only in case of insane lunatic trying to blow up whole planet to achieve evil ends. Break glass. Push button."

Hamish quickly tried to break the glass using fiddlebow, foot, stick and stone. Nothing worked. Hamish's eyes settled on Denara.

"Hardhaided enough…" he decided, taking a step towards her. Fortunately, at that moment, Craig succeeded in prying off the glass with a kilt pin. Sparki's hand crashed down on the button, and the earthquake ground into silence.

Within twenty minutes, the Neon Lites were at the head of a great crowd of instrument wielding musicians heading towards the crater in which Denara said the Moose's ship was stranded. As they reached the crater itself, a great shower of sparks filled the air and a burst of flame blinded everyone for a moment, as a small escape shuttle, it's long-buried moorings cleared by the earthquake, broke free from the main ship and hurtled into the heavens. Within seconds, it was gone. Sparki stared after it, determined.

"Bogus cop-out escape," she muttered angrily, hands on tie-dyed hips. "We'll meet again, Moose-Dude. You'll see…"

Freed from the Wizard and his Evil Creator (and conscious of the fact that, due to the earthquake, the streets were literally running with beer), the musicians let out a cheer. Craig accompanied them on an accordion that just happened to be floating by, and it was well after dawn on the following day before the party showed any signs of slowing. At last, tearful farewells taken (of the musicians, that is, Craig KEPT the accordion), the Neon Lites made plans to load themselves and their hangovers onto the ship.

On the way back to the crash site, they found the King himself locked in a jail about three miles out of town. Sparki withdrew from her pocket the key Denara had given her and unlocked the cell door.

Denara smiled. "You are free, King Midas."

Hamish let out a low whistle as the King high-tailed it happily up the road.

"Midas?" Mollie said worriedly, "isn’t he the king who turns everything he touches into gold?"

Craig grinned. "No wonder every musician in the galaxy brought their albums here!"

Denara shrugged. "He's a pretty good King otherwise," she answered. "As long as he remembers to wear his gloves every day…"

Reaching the ship at last, the Neon Lites opened their hatch and prepared to board, bathe, mousse, drink and play accordion, respectively.

Denara hung back from the hatch, but caught Sparki as she went by. "I want to come with you," she said firmly.

Hamish frowned. "Och, ye dinna want to come wi' US, lass! Ye'd pick up all sorts o' bad habits, poor attitudes and smart-arse character traits…"

Craig considered. "But even if she did, she'd be no worse off than she is now."

Sparki nodded. "Totally way true, fiddledude."

Denara raised hopeful eyes. "Than I can?"

Sparki grinned. "Like, why not? Let's take off!"

Mollie paused at the door. "Off Ors?"

"Off Ors…"Tasha echoed.

Everyone jumped as Craig began singing loudly: "We're off to free the lizards, the wonderful lizards of Ors…"

The Neon Lites turned as one and bellowed, "SING SOMETHING ELSE!"

Craig blinked, took an enormous breath, slung his new accordion over his shoulder and tripped up the ramp singing:

"OHHHHHHHHH Maresydoes and bowsybows

And little yaks named Ivy,

A fiddler'd try it too, wouldn't youuuuuuu?

They said I never should and so I dooooooo

OHHHHHHHHH Maresydoes and bowsybows…."

Hamish groaned as Craig's voice echoed throughout the ship. "Now you've done it!" He growled.