Several days later, a random thought hit Tasha like a ton of aerosol spray cans. "Hey," she squealed, "Chad wasn't a puppet, he was a MARIONETTE." She smiled at this brilliant piece of clever deduction.

            Denara grimaced from behind the blue mud mask Tasha had coated on her face. "Is this all you people ever do? Just fly around and mousse your hair and re-string fiddles and read the expanded works of obscure philosophers? I could have done that back on Orslanvia."

            "Yeah," giggled Tasha, "but your hair would still be frizzy then. And Craig's fiddle would still be flat...." Sure enough, Tasha had given Denara a complete makeover and the child was none the worse for the experience, but the overall improvements had been minor.

            Sparki spun around in the console chair, humming an obscure tune that even Craig was hard pressed to recognize. As she spun, she licked candy hearts and tossed them at the ficus tree, where they clung for a few moments before dropping onto the sleeping head of Hamish, who was taking a nap between dinner and bedtime.

            Mollie was sitting in front of the computer console frowning and cursing. "Damn it - no - you stupid mouse, why won't you work??"

            Tasha squealed and climbed up Denara's head. "Eeek, a MOUSE!!!"

            Denara peeled Tasha and the mask from her face. "Get off of me you twit!"

            "Twinkle twinkle little mouse / how I wonder how you grouse / up above the ship you fly / like a kumquat in the sky....OHHHHHHH Twinkle twin….KKFHGHAHFHGDH." Craig stopped singing as Hamish woke out of a sound sleep long enough throttle the fiddler soundly. He then curled up and continued snoring off tempo.

            Sparki stopped spinning and peered over Mollie's shoulder. "Like, what's totally up, most frustrated dudette?"

            Mollie hit the computer screen and began wailing frantically, "this thing is not working!!!!"

            Tasha looked up from scrubbing Denara's face with an herbal scented washcloth.  "Maybe you should switch to decaf, Mol." she suggested, sticking the end of the washcloth into Denara's ear. Denara squealed and pulled out of Tasha's reach.

            "No big deal. You people are pretty helpless. I don't know how you managed to get along without me for so long. In fact..."

            Sparki handed Denara a broom. "Here, kid, knock yourself out."

            "As if! You keep forgetting that I am the oracle and I..."

            "Need a good swift kick in th' trousers," Craig muttered.

            Denara ignored him as she joined the small crowd gathering around the computer. She pushed Mollie out of the way and began punching wildly at varying keys. Suddenly, the sounds of Battlefield Band began pouring out of the speakers. Craig hopped up and joined in, determined to make this boring day turn into a ceilidh at any price. Denara depressed a few more keys ("Can't we cheer them up?" asked Tasha) and a grid appeared on the screen.

            "Good job, kid, " Mollie was relieved.

            Denara looked smug, "I told you, I'm the..."

            "Oracle, schmoracle...yeah, yeah, we like, got you the first time. So, like, where in this primo cool galaxy are we?"

            Before Denara could answer, the music stopped abruptly and a whistling sound pierced the air. Denara frowned and glared at the screen, letting out an unprintable blaspheme as a face appeared on the screen.

            "M'aidez, m'aidez!" the nearly respectable, slightly bespectacled man cried frantically.

            "Hey, that's French," Mollie pointed out, prepared to translate, "it means...."

            "HELP!!!!" he yelled.

            "Help," Mollie finished, "The French word for help is `aider' and he is saying..."

            If the man could have strangled Mollie through the console, there is no doubt in my mind, or anyone else's, that Mollie would not have lived to finish this tale.

            "Like, dude, what can we do for you?"

            "It's my village...it's has been taken over by a raving lunatic. He keeps demanding that we return the Icon Scroll or we will all die at sunset."

            "The what?" The Neon Lites cried in tangent.

            "This must be some totally bogus coincidence...or a way cool trap..." Sparki began.

            "We don't have much time! The scroll is hidden in the Cave of Morda and no one in the village is stupe...uh... brave enough to go get it. Will you help us?"
            "Does your village have a mall?" Tasha stuck her nose against the computer screen to converse with the frantic man face to face.

"Sure, yeah...whatever...so will you help us?"

            "Anythin' else on our social calendar?" Craig asked the others. They all thought for a moment.

            "Well, nothing pressing..." Mollie began."
            "That settles it," said the man, "you are now in a tractor beam and I will take you to my village."

                                    ******************************************************

            As far as villages go, Pea-Neck was not a bad one. It had many cozy huts and a temple dedicated to some arcane and probably bloodthirsty god. It also boasted a large well, a field (complete with cow ramp) and a frighteningly large graveyard. The Neon Lites were given tea and cookies and before they could chat with any of the locals, they were dispatched one and all (and Denara) to the edge of a giant mountain with a large entrance that disappeared into a black, cavernous cave.

            "Okay, here's some food and water and a match. The Icon Scroll should be in there some where. Buh-bye." The man who had brought them to the planet vanished in a flash.

            "Well there's that gone..." Hamish commented feebly.

            "Ok, so we're off, right?" Denara jumped up and down, just a little more excited than was necessary.

            "I'll say yer off..." Craig began, but Mollie silenced him with a look that said more than words ever could.

            "I think we need a plan," Mollie stated firmly, as the others groaned. "We can't just waltz into a dark cave without some plan of attack."

            "I could play a polka instead." Craig offered.

            "So, like, what's the most bogusly improbable plan?" Sparki piped up helpfully.

            Mollie considered. "I think..." They all leaned closer to her. "I think..... um...well, hell, let's just go in!!"

            Denara grabbed the matches and the food, and trotted forward purposefully. Tasha hung back, scratching her ear. "You know," she called after the others, "I really don't think there's a mall in there..."

            "Aye girl," agreed Hamish, "ye don't think...."

            Mollie grabbed Tasha's arm and forcibly dragged her whimpering twin into the dank, musty cave, all the time cooing, "It'll be all right, Tasha, I'm sure there's nothing in there that will cause permanent damage to your hair follicles."

            Tasha sniffled, "You promise?"

            They found themselves in a large, rock room just inside the cave entrance. Stalagmites and stalactites decorated the ceiling and the floor, and the walls were covers in amethysts, cubic zirconium and rose quartz. The effect was breathtaking and Tasha held hers. "Ooohhhh, pretty..."

            At the edge of the room was a large wooden door, over which was written some words. The Neon Lites, as one mind, traveled over to the door to have a look. Chiseled boldly into the wall was the legend: ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER. Tasha and Mollie each let out a squeal. Denara laughed. Sparki shrugged and opened the door.

            The floor gave way beneath them and the entire Neon Lites contingent fell forward onto a steep ramp that disappeared into the darkness. Head over heels, they tumbled, slid and rolled into the eerie black silence before them. They fell, and fell and fell and fell, until it seemed as if the cave had no bottom at all and that they would end up on the other side of the planet. As they journeyed, a bored, monotonous voice chanted "please keep all hands, feet and small children inside the vehicle until the ride comes to a complete stop".

             At last, with a severe jolt, the Neon Lites hit rock bottom and collapsed into a cumulous mound at the base of the slope. Mollie and Tasha landed with a definite jolt on Craig and his fiddle, which he was dangling out of harm and the sisters' way. Hamish had the unfortunate timing needed to break Denara's fall and the child nearly knocked him into tomorrow. He could not understand how a wee bairn weighing, at most, 75 pounds wringing wet could give him such a jolt. Stunned, he picked himself up and staggered around the room, hoping for a whiskey waterfall, or at worst, a keg.

            They were in an oubliette of sorts, well lit enough for them to determine that it was not very big and would not hold all of them for very long. Hamish slumped down against a wall to take a breather, but jumped up just as fast when the wall cried out, "O grim look's night, O night with hue so black, O night which ever art, when day is not, O night, alack, alack, alack..."

            Sparki cocked her head like an indecisive poodle. "Like, so who are you, most vociferous Shakespearean-quoting wall?"

            It cleared its throat and replied: "In this same interlude, it doth befall, that I, one Snout by name, present, a wall..."

            "Snout dude, most excellent non-mobile, but totally anthropomorphic new friend." Sparki bounced over to the wall and placed her palm on the cold stone. "Is there, like, a way out of this most heinous oubliette?"

"It's not my fault!!" cried Hamish, aware that he had started something, but unwilling to take the blame.

            "Full fathom five, they father lies, of his bone are coral made..." the wall chanted.

            "Like, speak English, wall, speak English!!!"

            "The raging rocks and shivering shocks shall break the locks of prison gates and Phibbus' car shall shine from far and make and mar the foolish fates."

            "What does that mean?" Mollie inquired.

            "Ask me no questions, I'll tell ye no lies..."

            Mollie touched the tip of her nose with her finger in thought. "`The Raging rocks and shivering shocks shall break'....Hey you guys, it's a clue!! The wall is telling us how to get out of this trap!!"

            "If we shadows have offended, think but this and all is mended: that you have but slumbered here while these visions did appear..." the wall answered obviously approving of Mollie's insight, but unwilling to give them more of a clue.

            Hamish stretched and hunched over into sprinting position. Then, with lightning speed, he ran, with all the acceleration he could muster, into the wall. Head first.

            The wall yelled several obscenities, then began shaking, as if caught in an earthquake. The ground moaned and convulsed, scattering Neon Lites all over the oubliette as the very stones began to crumble and crash to the ground. Hamish stood in place, in utter shock at what he had done. Mollie, Tasha and Denara all screamed, as Sparki calmly withdrew an orange day-glo umbrella from her knapsack and held it over their heads for protection. (Though secretly, Sparki believed that it couldn't do Tasha much harm to have a few tons of rock dumped on her skull.)

            After what felt like an eternity, the room stopped rumbling and the floors stopped shaking, and for the second time in five minutes, the Neon Lites staggered to their feet once more.

            Where the wall had been, was now a hallway with five wooden doors all in a row, but none of the Neon Lites dared to go near them.

            "This does not bode well, most excellent friends." Sparki announced.

            "What should we do???" whined Tasha, aware of what this cold cave air was doing to her complexion.

            "Pick a door, of course." Denara exclaimed, pushing the others out of the way.

            "No, Denara, wait!!!" cried Mollie, as the child grabbed the knob of the door closest to her and turned it. With more speed than anyone imagined possible, Hamish propelled himself forward, grabbed the little girl and swung her out of the way, just as a huge ball of fire exploded from the first door. Denara let out a small cry, then was silent as she buried her face in Hamish's strong arms, obviously terrified. Hamish looked wide-eyed at the others, then in a panic, gestured with his chin at Denara, who was clinging to him as if she would never let go.

            It was a slightly humbled Denara who finally pulled away from Hamish and took his hand to lead him back to the others. Her eyes were swollen red from crying and her face was blotchy,

            "Another ruined facial." Tasha moaned. Craig patted her arm.

            "This is not good. This is very, very bad..." Mollie muttered her usual mantra.

            "Okay, so like, this is a way bogus adventure, but like, a primo one. So we have to like, get that scroll and get way totally away from this unenlightened most murky grotto..." Sparki began digging through her nap sack for something important. She pulled out six fiber bars and passed them out. "But, first, sustenance..."

            The Neon Lites sat in a circle to discuss this most heinous turn of the events in their lives. Denara sat beside Hamish and stared way up at him as he ate. Tasha refused to sit on the icky ground until Craig borrowed Mollie's jean jacket and made a makeshift rug for Tasha. Sparki and Mollie just sat and began eating and thinking.

            "How are we t' get in?" Hamish asked.

            "Are you to get in at all?" asked Mollie, "That's the first question, you know." It was no doubt, only Hamish did not like to be told so.

            "You know..."Tasha piped up suddenly, as she nibbled carefully on the high-protein victuals, "I think that wall was trying to tell us something important. But I don't remember what it said..."

            "You may be right," Mollie agreed, "But what..."

            They all thought and ate, then ate and thought some more, but none could remember anything the wall had said.

            "Eureka!!!" Sparki leapt to her feet. She reached into her knapsack and pulled out a small recording device. She pressed a button. Her voice boomed loudly in the room: "I am aboard some kind of strange ship and the life forms do not seem sentient…." CLICK! Blushing slightly, Sparki turned off the tape recorder quickly, then pressed a few buttons. There was a whirring sound, then she pressed another button, and the wall's voice echoed through the chamber.

            "Full fathom five, thy father lies..."

            "That's it!" Mollie jumped up. "Five. It wanted us to choose the fifth door!!"

            "What's a fathom?" Tasha asked.

            "I think it's a ghost.." Mollie began.

            "Ye mean phantom, lass." Craig offered.

            "You say phantom, I say fathom..."

            "I think it means `understand'." Denara told them.

            "Oh, that makes sense, " Mollie scoffed.

            "No ghosts, no ghosts. Ghosts are bad,'" Tasha whimpered.

            "Are we most definitely ready?" Sparki asked, touching the fifth door. The others reluctantly nodded and she turned the knob. The door slid open to reveal a harmless looking tunnel. The Neon Lites trooped forward and as soon as they were all in, the door clanged shut behind them. They began walking.

            They walked and walked and walked. Craig took out his fiddle and began composing a walking tune ("since we seem to do so much of it," he explained) and soon the others were singing along with him.

            "Walkabye Neons in a dark cave, when the wind blows, Hamish will shave and when the wall breaks the good band will fall and down will come Neons, Denara and all..."

            After a decent amount of time (time enough for the author to get breakfast), Tasha became aware of a peculiar odor mingling with the scent of her Chanel #8 in a most disagreeable manner. She stopped walking and singing.

            "Smells bad!!!" she declared. The others sniffed, then agreed.

            "It's disgusting!!!!  Where are we??"

            They had arrived at the edge of a muddy, smelly pond that gurgled and burped in a most offensive manner. There seemed to be no way across but to go through it.

            "That's it," Tasha said, turning around, "I'm going back."

            Mollie grabbed her arm. "NO, no, no, no, no. There must be a way across."

            "Well then, lass, ye find it." Hamish bellowed, as Denara took his hand in her sweaty palm and peered up at him as if he were the only man alive. He firmly shook her away, but she returned.

            Sparki once again delved into the endless depths of her bag. She pulled out the weedwacker string, the government-issue FBI standard giant black flashlight (stolen), a grappling hook, and a 100-foot red rope. Without hesitation, she attached the rope and the weed wacker string to the grappler, then threw the sharp implement, which fastened itself to the rock ceiling. Sparki tugged on the rope, to test its strength, then quickly swung over the bog and landed nicely on the opposite side. She tossed the rope back to Mollie, who followed her. Hamish grabbed the rope. There was a tug on his kilt and he looked down to see Denara, who was quite pale and shaking.

            "Och, aye, come on, lass," He scooped Denara up with one arm and began to swing. She leaned over and kissed his cheek.

            "For luck." Denara whispered. They flew through the air and landed on the other side.     

             Craig carefully tied his fiddle to the rope and swung it over. When the rope came back, he prepared to swing, but was stopped by a keening sound behind him.

            "I can't, I can't, I can't..." Tasha wailed. "It smells bad!!!"

            "Aye lass, that it does," Craig agreed, "But it'll do ye nae good to stand about here waitin' for the smell t' go away. I'll help ye."

            "I'm scared!!!!"

            Craig took Tasha's hand, then put his arms around her waist and swung.

            Tasha screamed and thrashed and wailed and hollered and....

            The rope snapped, dunking Craig and Tasha headfirst into the smelly bog. When Tasha's face came back up to the surface, she was screaming bloody murder and Craig was contemplating murder. The other Neon Lites helped them both out of the pond and they stood on the edge, covered in the fetid, malodorous substance. Tasha jumped up and down, blubbering, "Get it off me!!!"

            Sparki, Hamish, Denara and Mollie gathered for a quick conference.

            "I think we should just leave them here." Denara suggested, "They smell like a foul mixture of decaying animal, stagnant pond, year-old milk and the perfume samples that come in fashion magazines. Gross!!!"

            "We can't just leave them here. Much as I'd like to, Tasha is my sister and Daddy would cut off my allowance if I came home without her."

            "Well, I see there's another pond up ahead and it looks clean, maybe if they take a bath..." Denara reflected, giving in to the realty that their fragrant companions would not be abandoned.

            After twelve dippings in the freshwater pond, Craig and Tasha still smelled like the bog, and Tasha was still screaming hysterically. The others convened once again to discuss in a committee.

            Before Denara could speak, Mollie turned to her, "Leaving them here is still not an option. Sparki, do you have any clothes pins in that bag of yours?"

            "I'm afraid not."

            "Well, then, what can we do?"

            Denara peered into the sack of food they had been given at the start of the journey. "LOOK!!!" She pointed to a round object in the bag, "A tomato!"

            "My favorite!" Hamish grabbed the fruit and began to pop it into his mouth as his stomach growled. Denara quickly appropriated the food and hid it behind her back,

            "Don't you get it - a tomato!!! When my pet Dresladil got sprayed by an Armrewlian Freickrat, we gave him a bath in tomato juice."

            "But I'm hungry." Hamish pointed out as his stomach growled to second the motion.

            "Always thinking with your stomach..." Mollie lectured.

            "I am a man." Hamish puffed out his chest. "We only think with our stomachs and our..."

            Sparki covered Denara's ears. "Like, there's a most very young child present."

            "I am NOT a child!" Denara pulled away and went to stand beside Hamish. She looked at him and batted her eyelashes.

            "Give me the tomato, dearest lassie..." Hamish began and Denara simpered, handing it over to him.

            Tasha overheard this entire exchange and let out a war cry. With one leap, she landed on Hamish's back and began clawing at him. "GIVE ME THAT TOMATO!!!"

            A game of catch ensued and the tomato did not fare well, but eventually, they succeeded in smashing the fruit and giving it to Craig and Tasha to use as a makeshift soap. Craig had not said a word since his ducking, but as he stood on the banks of the pond, drip-drying, he picked up his fiddle and began a new tune. "Yes, we have no tomatoes, we have no tomatoes today-aay-aay..."