An air raid siren began to wail. What Tasha had failed to notice in her throes of mall-lust, was the large flock of chartreuse pelicans closing in tight military formation on the Lizard Town. They appeared armed and dangerous.
Reginald let out (what the others could only assume to be) a lizard battle cry as his people dove for cover. With astounding reptilian bravery, he galloped across the Parmesan plain and tackled Tasha just as the second explosion rocked the village.
"Noooo-ooooo!!!!!!!" screamed Tasha in utter despair, as the multi-flavored mall scattered in a billion slushy bits. "Dear mother of Macy's, noooooo!!!!!"
Ignatius herded the others towards one of the hot fudge huts as Reginald bore Tasha's limp form back to safety. In moments, they were comfortably ensconced in some jellybean bag chairs around a roaring video-simulated fire. Muffled explosions continued in the distance.
"Are you sure it's safe?" Mollie whispered cautiously.
"Oh, like totally no sweat," replied Sparki, slurping one of the Shirley Temples Ignatius had just whipped up. "See, when there's something bogus going down, the hot fudge like hardens into a totally impregnable crunchy candy coating. Cool, huh?
"But what about the mall," asked Mollie. Tasha began keening mournfully and rocking back and forth.
"Ran outta hot fudge. Marshmallow is not primo building material."
"But why," Mollie began again, loathe to waste a good run of questions, "are we under attack at all?"
Reginald settled into a beanbag with a Harvey Wallbanger and some Tylenol. With Sparki's help, he told the truth….
Long ago (almost a week last Wednesday), the lizards and the pelicans had lived in peace. Then a stranger appeared to the pelicans and began to spread discontent (as well as cheap, mass-produced tee-shirts) among them; convincing them that everything from embarrassing flipper rash to increased loan rates was caused by the lizards. The Stranger then showed them how to make combustible material from natural resources, and the pelicans had begun their anti-lizard campaign.
Luckily, they were very bad shots.
Then, (Reginald continued) one of the lizard spies had uncovered the secret agenda…after the lizards and pelicans destroyed one another in the War, the Stranger planned to break up the planet and sell it bit by bit at outrageous prices to exotic caterers all over the universe.
It was diabolically brilliant!
"That's diabolically brilliant!" exclaimed Mollie.
"But how come they haven't just told the pelicans about the plot?" snuffled Tasha, nursing the Raspberry Beret Sparki had thoughtfully invented to cheer her up.
"They did give it an awesome effort, but the pelican dudes are most bogusly low on intelligentsia."
"That reminds me of something," Mollie muttered, before going on. "Well, if the lizards know that's what the Stranger wants, why blow up the planet?"
"Okay, like partake of this: Reggie says the lizard dudes are getting heinously bummed out here on this cheesy locale, eh? Like how much parsley can one dude eat? And that bogus non-pasteurized odor…"
"That reminds me of something, too," said Tasha absently.
"…So they want to split out, y'know? So if we can cause this moon thingy to most excellently explode all the minuto cheesy bits will fly all across the universe (like the Beatle dudes! Awesome!) then the Stranger dude won't be able to get any, nada, zip-amundo. Plus, some of it might hit some underprivileged dudes' planet and end world hunger or something. Rad, huh?"
Mollie considered for a moment. "How will the pelicans escape? We shouldn't just blow them up, even if they are really stupid and obnoxious."
"Now, I'm like reminded of something," muttered Sparki. "Oh, well, Reg says the pelican dudes have their old spaceships, so they can split, too."
Mollie gulped down the last of her Perrier with a twist. "You mean they're not from this planet?"
Reginald and Ignatius indulged in a reptilian guffaw.
"No way, dudette," Sparki translated. "They both just stopped for some brew and chips a few years back and the liz-dudes' ship got sucked into a mega-pool of herb and garlic spread. This isn't even a real like moon, y'know?"
"You mean-?" gasped Tasha. Mollie whistled.
"Most correct, my excellent compadres. This…" Sparki paused for effect (and another swig of Mountain Dew) "…is one of the most bogusly lost Swiss Colonies!"
"A holiday cheeseball gone terribly wrong," Mollie choked.
There was another pause as the three women suddenly remembered what that reminded them all of…
"Hey! Where's Snerdly?"